SuperWoMOM: Kristin Cook

Meet Kristin Cook, the creator of Faces of Loss, an online community that provides support for women who have lost a child through miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss.  Kristin’s daughter died when she was 26 weeks pregnant.  During that time she says she felt completely and utterly alone.  The organization formed because during her time of darkness, she tried going online for support but was disappointed that most of the resources she found were either stale and outdated, cold and clinical, or overly religious.  Eventually she discovered the ‘baby loss’ blog community and made some lifelong friends who helped her through her time of darkness.  It was at this point she started thinking that there should be an easier way for the 700,000 women who experience pregnancy/infant loss to find and connect with each other.

“I want our community/this organization to make the statement that pregnancy and infant loss is not something that women should be ashamed to have experienced.”  Says Cook.  “The fact that literally 30% of women in this country will experience it, yet people avoid talking about it like the plague is absurd.  Like cancer, it’s something that sucks, of course, but it’s not something people should feel like they are not allowed to talk about.  As long as our society allows this to b a taboo, ‘hush-hush’ subject, women will continue to feel alone and ashamed when it happens to them.”

We asked Kristin how the loss of her daughter has shaped the person she is today, as a response she would like to share this letter she wrote to her daughter on her 6 months after her daughter died…

Dear Stevie,
6 months. Wow, I really can’t believe it. You’ve been gone an entire half a year. Have I really made it through 182 days without you?

There have been days where I do nothing but sit on the couch in a zombie-like state, and others where I have this incredible drive and energy unlike anything I’ve felt before, and all I want to do is “go, go, go.”

I’ve had times where I cry so hard I laugh, and others where I laugh so hard I cry.

I’ve spent hours cursing God for taking you from me, and I’ve spent hours secretly crying out his name in the darkness of the night.

I’ve lost a few friends that I thought would stick around, and I’ve made many new ones who I know will be there forever.

I’ve felt silly for caring so much, and guilty for not caring enough.

I’ve had many moments where I think I’m such a failure, and many where I feel like I’m the strongest person I know.

If anything, the last 182 days have taught me what its like to really feel. Happiness, sadness, anger, jealously, guilt, hope, strength, weakness, peace, bitterness, vulnerability, empathy, excitement, confusion, clarity, apathy, passion, sorrow, joy, hate, love. I’ve experienced themall, sometimes at the same time.

The painful emotions cut deeper than they ever have before, but you know what? The emotions on the other side of the spectrum–things like passion, strength, love–I feel them with such intensity now. It’s like my capacity for feeling has expanded 10-fold. When I’m sad, I’m sadder than I knew was possible 182 days ago. But when I love, boy do I love so much deeper.

Andrea once explained it as a sort of pendulum theory. On the left you have sadness, sorrow, despair, all those icky emotions. On the right, you have happiness, joy, love, passion, strength, all those ‘good emotions.’ When you died, the pendulum swung so far to the left, farther than its ever gone before. But now it also swings farther to the right. Before you, my pendulum was kind of stuck in the middle most of the time, and now, it swings so far in both directions.

I recently saw this quote from Harlan Ellison somewhere: “I know that pain is the most important thing in the universes . . . For without pain, there can be no pleasure. Without sadness, there can be no happiness. Without misery there can be no beauty. And without these, life is endless, hopeless, doomed and damned.”

These last 6 months have been hard, no doubt about it. But in the last 182 days I have felt more than a lot of people ever feel in a lifetime. And in a strange, hard to explain way, that’s something to be thankful for, I guess.

I love you so much, beautiful little girl. You’ve changed me forever.

Despite her pain, she still has a bright message.  Kristin believes that every woMOM who has gone through the loss of a baby is a survivor.  “You have survived one of the worst, most painful things anyone can ever go through.  You are not alone and there is no reason to be ashamed.  Be proud of the incredible strength you possess.”

It is Kristin’s daughter that keeps her going and providing the amazing support, love and inspiration to thousands of other women experiencing similar pangs. Not only does she oversee Faces of Loss, but she just launched Face2Face Friendship Groups which are in-person, informal support groups across the country.  75 of these groups have already started to gather and in the coming months she hopes to complete grief support booklets for hospitals to distribute to women when they lose a baby.

Kristin believes that having something positive to channel her grief has made all the difference.  She says, “I read a quote once that said, ‘grief with purpose is an awesome force.’  In my own life, I’ve found that to be so, so true.”

What you have created and provide for other women is amazing, Kristin.  You are an amazing MOM and you embody the definition of a SuperWoMOM.

You said (in reference to your daughter) “I feel like I owe it to her to live the life she’s missing out on.  I’ve gotta live a life big enough for two and I just want her to be proud of me.” Something tells us, you’re on the right path.

For more about Kristin’s story and her organization, you can visit Faces of Loss, here.